Loving Life of Basri & Alison

Ya, the project enhancement rollout failed , I feel so depressed and this is the first time I rollout the project unsuccessful due to small mistake it made, and user reluctant to hear the changes and can’t accept the reason at last minutes. Actually rollout project failed shouldn’t a big issue, but, the main issue is I feel so de-motivated to work in this type of environment that without anyone support.

After working for 7 years, this is the first time I feel sad and depressed. User has been warned very early stage that they will complaint to the head of section, especially after the management politic between IT and user; they are looking for more troublesome to me.

Just now while the process announced failed need to rollback, I think my vendor and my colleagues are so worried that I will scold them, look at them, I feel bad, so, I keep quiet and not scolding them, I just walk away and not thinking to talk to anyone. Actually inside my heart, I know they have been trying their best too. Just I don’t know how I can face the Monday user’s complaint email and maybe later team lead questioning. I think I was tired with all the question they going to ask.

Sometime Basri said I take everything very serious and perfection. For me, honestly, passion, satisfaction is my goal and happy source that can keep me motivate and work continually, else I will feel I’m a robot who just work for money. Anyway, perhaps I will learn to don’t take people’s comment so personally, and work out my way.

Now is 11:31pm, 18th Nov 2006. After few months torture by the nasty user and management politic, yes, the enhancement going to migrate and rollout by tonight, hopefully everything can be conclude by tomorrow morning 5:00am 19th Nov 2006, so, I can go back and sleep.

My hubby Basri want to give me the mental support, he also accompany me and not going to sleep, due to company security issue, so, he went to McDonald that near by my company to sit there and waiting for me. That’s sweet!!! Muimui touching …

The whole company is so quiet, I have been quite sometime never stay so late to do the migration rollout, and the last migration was done in April 2006 midnight also. Actually compare the enhancement scope, the previous enhancement scope is huge and that time is the 1st project I was in-charged after I transferred to this new team, but I think the pressure I having now is huge and feel upset compare to the previous time, I am not so excited about this time rollout. Previously I was so excited about every migration I have, now I don’t have that feeling. I think the passion is not there due to the user and the management “tai-chi”.

Yesterday I found out another colleague who closed with me just tendered, I feel so happy for her, and at the same time I feel sad because she is leaving. We have a long tea break session to chitchat together yesterday. Due to last 2 months been very busy, I have been lost in touch with her quite sometime although we work in the same company. We have chat a lot and share a lot of thing etc. that is a good session. Just wish her all the best!

These few weeks I have been busy with the project enhancement rollout, with the user’s high expectation, and management politic, I have sometime that stayed under the depress and emotion time.

Last week because over stress, my body giving a different signal, and found something inside my urine, I was scared and worried about my health. I visited a clinic; the doctor can’t detect anything, and told me maybe I have the urine infection. After few days, I found out something really wrong, I decided to visit the women specialize doctor, and after he checked, he told me is a bile inside my urine, and it shouldn’t happened on the young girl age like me. He suggested me to take the blood test again.

The good thing is doctor said my body always will give me a signal in the early stage, thanks GOD! I think I starting to love my body and starting to understand my body more. After taking the blood test, the doctor told me the report is ok, he suspect when I over tension, or mental problem, the body will change and provide some abnormal reaction. He suggests me to take some rest and take it easy. Mental stress is very dangerous to our health.

Sometime I wish I can choose to not involve in the management politic, but, no choice when thing just get into it, and I have to face it. The more I meet this type of thing, the more I think I am not suitable to work in this type of environment. I understand that my position is getting more and more into this type of politic involvement situation, and begging people to work on something, sometime I think I really need to work out something for myself, instead of keep sitting here to stress on it. I believe soon and later, my burden and stress of the work will increasing, because no one will just paid you to sit here and do nothing, or choosing what I like to do, sometime is really out of management control and my control.

I always believe we can pass over and face the tough time, just in between we will complaint and stress ourselves, but, is it the life we want in the long run? Maybe we have to ask ourselves and make the positive and mental adjustment. - Alison

hrmm… i think i’m too emotion sometime. but, i’m glad that i have this blog to share my emotion and discuss it with friends. Don’t worry, guys and gals, i’m still surviving. After just now dinner with Basri and Chan Leong, we discussed the topic, and ya! i agreed sometime is just something that will trigger us to have this emotion. especially something out of your control. but, believe it or not, it just take time to overcome it, when it over, then, you realize you still surviving. that time you are understand the technique to handle this problem in this same environment and understand how to survive it, that call "comfort zone". amazing?!

Ya! this week i think i have 2 days emotion time with the work, calculate it, it consider a lot! maybe after few days or next month, when i come back to review this post, maybe i will think myself is so silly, and why so emotion?  Actually is not a good thing to share this type of negative thought to others. but, hopefully is my learning curve to understand myself more, and improve myself.  - Alison

ok..ok… i think i joined the wrong team. I wish to learn the siebel app, but, i find out the tool is suck, not flexible, a lot of thing has the limitation, I’m a BA, study the user requirement, and end up people told me cannot, seibel cannot done in that way??!!! what’s the joke! nevermind, I drafted the functional spec, and i wish to get the details information of the current system, no one want to share the knowledge, and everyone just busy with the other project, then, manager ask why not have the discussion to brief the team. hallo!!! if the project is .net or other internet application, i know the flexibility, and know how to study the system. but, this siebel due to the whole team too individually, i totally don’t know how to proceed. After working for 7 years, this is the first time i totally lost, and feel the failure. The worst thing i found out in this company is unless you very good in one domain, else you will need to beg everyone for something. that is a suck life to survive in this company.

I wanted to leave all this thing behind, i totally don’t think i can take this type of job environment. If you know me, how tension i was in previous company for the internet project, i still can promised to continue till the project rollout. but, with this current project, i think something really wrong, user + team + tool + management.

I think i am failed to survive here.

Deep breath!!! deep breath!!! i have to calmn down, i still have a big milestone need to accomplish - DEC Wedding. ok..ok…. i must take it easy first, maybe i should test the water of the market first.  - Alison